In Between the Reality and the Dream

I must share this passage from the memoir Black Milk: On Writing, Motherhood, and the Harem Within by the Turkish writer Elif Shafak. It says everything I want to say on the elusiveness of the Dream and the clutch of Reality, but with such splendid imagination.

Dream is a rosy-cheeked lass, as charming as a water nymph, and just as playful. If you attempt to hold her in your arms, she will slip out of your grip, lithe and nimble, like a fish, like the mirage she is. Those who crave her touch only wear themselves out.

Reality is a crone with hair as gray as stormy skies, a toothless mouth and a chilling cackle. She is not ugly, not really, but there is something disturbing about her that makes it difficult to look her in the eye.

Yes, in my spare time (ha!) I'm reading Black Milk (on my Kindle!). It's a good read thus far for those of us living somewhere in between our reality and our dreams. There's an incredible amount of jumble going on in my head at any given point in the day, even when I sleep, about how to move forward with my writing and create the reality I want. It goes a little something like this:

What should I write about next? "A Good Nanny is Hard to Find"? Or work on my cleaning up my submission to Memoir magazine? Oh no! The deadline is in a few weeks!!
Who wants to read my work? Who wants to read my stuff? I need more writer friends.
I need to research magazines to pitch ideas to. O Magazine? Good Housekeeping? Where do I find the time?
What should I blog about next?
Oh wait, I don't have any readers? How do I get readers??
When do I have the chance to write next? Oh wait, the baby's crying, she needs her diaper changed, she's hungry. Spit up. My little Cutie Patootie.
Is that pitch letter ready to send off yet? Don't let perfect be the enemy of the good. Well let me read it one more time.
I need to journal, I need to release...

So on and so forth. It's the Frenzy. I've just officially named it: The Frenzy. That's what's going on in my head as it relates to writing. There are other frenzies on other important things too such as my daughter, my husband, our home, my estranged family, my health - mental and physical. These frenzies are fierce in their own right and they just knock around in my head all day long. This is what it's like to be in between the Reality and the Dream. It's exhausting.

Reality and the Dream

Okay, I'm brave. I'm going to do this. Finally. Start a blog. Hello? Is there anybody out there?? Anybody at all who wants to follow the life of a new mother who badly wants to become a known author who never has to go to work in a cube again? If I had my druthers, I would stay at home, take care of my three month old baby girl and get paid big bucks to write my heart out. I wouldn't have to worry about finding good childcare for near slave wages (my biggest worry right now). And yes, I'd hire help around the house. Lots of it. Someone else to cook, clean, and do laundry. I'd just go around writing magazine articles and books and giving talks at quirky little bookstores around the country. And maybe in other countries. Then I'd come home and kiss my husband.

This is my dream.

My dream is no where near my reality. That's what what I hope this blog will be about: my attempt to merge the two.

The reality of my life is that I will soon be going back to work, after being on maternity leave for six months. I'll be going back to a job that regularly sucks the life out of me. But this time, I'll have my cutie-patootie daughter somewhere I haven't been with someone I have yet to meet. I am terrified. Terrified of that. Terrified of going back to work and having less time to write, to pitch my writing, to finish my manuscript, to change my life. Terrified I'll be come the tired, sexless nagging wife.

I have a lot of fears, dreams, and frustrations just like the next woman. And this blog is my attempt to move through all that. It's my attempt to get something done for myself while I learn how to be a new mom, work because I must, write by my lonesome, and love my husband.

I welcome you to the blog and to my new mama wannabe writer worker bee wife life.